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AngleGrinder
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Name: Kevin
Country: United States
State: Kansas
Metro: Wichita
Birthday: 4/6/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: Futurama, FLCL, Ghost in the ShellFoo Fighters, Fly 92.7, new musicSuper Nintendo, old computer gamesbumming around the library, reading Wikipedia, playing my guitar, graduating, panicking, avoiding people as much as possible, figuring out how to build a stable social life outside of blogs, solitude, reading a good book in a comfy chair with a cup of hot chocolate followed by an unexpected nap, and remembering. Unless I wanted to forget those things. Then I want to keep forgetting them.
Expertise: I fix stuff
Occupation: Engineer
Industry: Business Aviation/Pneumatic Co
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Frankenstein4684
MSN: Frankenstein4684@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  Frankenstein4684
Member Since:
10/17/2005
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| I don't really like going to sleep. I think college gave me a pathological fear of going to sleep, because getting really tired late at night usually meant that I wasn't going to finish my homework. So I fought it. I think I would go months at a time just fighting to stay awake, every night between midnight and 4 AM, whenever school was in session. And when it wasn't, I'd stay awake until 3 or 4 anyways, to get some gaming done. It is nice, it's only going on 1 AM here and I feel like I could crawl into bed any minute. But I'm not going to just yet. Because I don't really like going to sleep.
I think I have a pathological fear of women too. I don't think there's much I could add that wouldn't get me "virtually slapped" by the lady readership. That's a little more complex than I care to go into just now anyways.
The robotics team I helped out at my old high school alma mater got 5th place out of 27 teams in their big competition - their best ever as for the school. I guess I got pretty attached to them, I went to help out after school every day for a month. I love teaching kids how to use tools - too many kids grow up with a fear of tools. I think for, dare I say most, tools are just something that belongs to dad that you get yelled at if you touch. And I don't doubt that alot of these kids had been taught a little already, but some knew absolutely nothing. And it's in those kids that I felt like I was really doing some good. We got two short Asian kids in for a meeting - seemed like they just came and went until this time around. We're always short-handed, so I immediately grabbed them when they came over to the robot and handed one of them, I think a power drill, and told them that we needed some holes drilled for the robot. He told me he'd never used one before, so I taught him, right there. And again, later, with the circular saw. Then the dremel, then the scroll saw, drill press. I don't know if they had ever touched a tool in their lives, they certainly hadn't touched anything we had in our shop. But they don't have to internally recoil in confusion or misunderstanding anymore when they see people using power tools. Now, that's something they can do to. And I think it's just fundamental to human existence, to at least know how to turn a screwdriver, nail a board, fasten a nut and bolt together. If we don't give our children the best tools and knowledge we have available, in every facet of living and being alive, then what is progress for us as a civilization really?
Maybe that's a little over the top. But I just loved that moment, you can see it in their eyes, when suddenly they know. One moment they're holding that power tool like a crying child, the next they're casually wielding it. Well, maybe it's actually several moments later. But the point is, without that first cut, that first trigger pull, they don't want to try, or want to learn. But when you take the fear away, show them that it is not an enemy, but a weapon of creativity and progress, then they can build with it. Build with the tools, and build on that knowledge - and it's just so rewarding to be a part of that process.
Well, I think I'm going to go watch some Adult Swim until I fall asleep. Telecon tomorrow with the contract work, should be exciting.
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| I just called my best friends dad to try to tell him that I'm not really interested in him setting me up with a Chinese girl that he and his Chinese wife go to church with. I don't think it worked very well. I'm still getting a picture of her text-messaged to me, and he's still telling her all about me, like how I have a big fancy college degree.
I think I could deal with the whole interracial, international, inter-faith thing. I just can't deal with any of it right now.
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| I'm bad about this. Posting. Lots of updates since last I wrote.
I didn't take the job with Salina, I think that was pretty finalized last time I posted. I did accept contract work with them, and that's moving right along. They've set me up with an FTP site to their files that I'll need, and the CAD software is in the mail. Just updated my old MS Excel time sheet today, the one I used for my own records back at Cessna, be nice to use that again. It's an honest engineering wage for about a month's duration, maybe longer. All work from home.
Interview at Learjet here in town. That was pretty awesome, just came out of the blue. It's for the Lear 85 program, which is exciting, that is a pretty hot aircraft. Expensive, but then money is just meaningless to me past about a million dollars - maybe it is to people who buy business jets too. More good news - it would be with ECS - Environmental Control Systems - I'd be in the same group I was back at Cessna, even better! The bad news? It's a planning position. Schedules, MS Project, presentations, arguments with suppliers and middle managers. A job like that is a death sentence for a mechanical, hands-on type like me. I love engineering too much to sit on the sidelines and spend some of my best years doing presentations of other engineers' designs. Don't get me wrong, I have respect for every job and task in the design process. It's just I'm a square peg for that round hole, and there's plenty of round pegs out there. My hands are tied though. I can't not try to get this job, it is an awesome program, and it's a large aircraft manufacturer. It's ideal in every aspect except for the work I'd be doing. And I know bitching about it probably doesn't put me in the right frame-of-mind, whether I get it or not, but you can't lie to yourself forever, or you start believing your own lies. Some day I will be a brilliant mechanical engineer, a design engineer, a real mechanical problem-solver. Maybe this detour is what I need to take right now to keep me on track in the long run.
I broke up with my girlfriend again. It's weird, I don't usually write about that stuff. I guess I don't ever feel strongly about it really. I do know that I have alot of growing up to do. Every happy couple I see, ever friends' wedding I go to, I just get more disgusted and disillusioned. I want them to be happy, I think. I just don't know what that means in the context of a relationship. I don't understand why anyone would willingly submit themselves to that on a semi-permanent or permanent basis. When I put myself in the shoes of a happy family man, I just get so confused and afraid. All the day-to-day activities of the married man fill me with feelings of fear and regret. And loneliness. And that's how I know that I have some growing up to do. Because I know that's not how it is for everyone else. It seems so petty to be so selfish, to want so much out of someone else. I don't want anything - everyone wants too much. Everyone wants everything, and if not everything, as much as they can get. There's so much wanting, but not enough being happy with what you've got. I'm happy with what I've got. Not downright euphoric, I didn't dream of growing up to be where I am in life right now. But I'm happy. Whatever that means.
My life is small and simple right now. Family, small circle of friends, handful of job leads. I feel like I'm headed for an explosion, a real shaking-up. Staying in Wichita kind of limits how bad that could really be, maybe. But I fear I won't be able to keep it all this simple for long.
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| I just got off the phone with Salina. I turned down full time work and asked for work-from-home contract details. He said that he hadn't gotten anything prepared for that since last we talked, and probably wouldn't be able to get to it until the end of October, since he'll be out of country for three weeks.
I'm really beating myself up over this. It's just an hour away, and I could have a real job again if I'd just take the full time work. There's a third option I never really explored, accepting full time work under the condition that I would only be there for a year or two.
I talk to Salina again next week. Maybe I'll throw that out there. This indefinite unemployment is doing nothing for me, it's a big black mark on my career - it's lost time, time I should be working.
I need to do something. I have stuff to sell on ebay, and a call to return about volunteering again for my old high school's robotics team.
Dammit! Today I was supposed to have some resolution, a plan. And now I just have more waiting.
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| I got offered a job from Salina, either full time there, in Salina, or contract work from home. I have to tell them (more or less), this Wednesday.
I got turned down for the job at NIAR, in Wichita. Both of them. I'm not going to lie, I'm angry about it. I was really counting on that coming through for me, that was going to make everything better. But I'm moving on.
Now, my decision is, do I stay or do I go?
Go: The full time offer from Salina wasn't generous, but not bad considering the economy and the industry. And it's a good company, with good people. And the city is quiet and peaceful, and friendly. But it's a negative, in a few ways. 1. Not the industry I want to be in. 2. Not the pay I could make in aerospace (which is a moot point while the aerospace industry is still in shambles) 3. Not the place I want to live, at least not forever.
Stay: Salina said they'd set me up with contract work if I wanted. I'd be working from home, on my personal computers, probably logged into their network, doing engineering cleanups and redesigns - almost more draftsman level stuff, but a little better. I enjoyed doing that when I was there, but professionally, I don't think it's a bullet point to be proud of on a resume. But, I don't have to move. I'm so tired of moving, this house is the first place I've been in continuously for longer than a year since I moved away from home. One big downer is - no health insurance. I'm really a ticking time bomb right now, I'm one car accident away from bankruptcy, honestly. I'm young and healthy of course, yeah, but you never know. I want the comfort of being under a big company where those things are taken care of. The pay for contract work is a wildcard - it sounded like they'd lean towards some kind of work-unit based pay (like pay per drawing, pay per model, etc.) That would be awesome on good days, but devastating if I had a computer crash, or had to redo some work. My second bedroom with all the computers becomes my home office, and I would have to work on modeling during the day and unwind with gaming in front of the same computer, in the same chair. It could make my favorite place in the house to unwind, less-favorite.
The other half of "Stay" though, is it's impermanent, I could pretty much cut it off when I needed, if a recovery in aerospace came around. That's the kicker. I could go to Salina and get set up there, and then aerospace may recover just as soon as I'm getting settled in to Salina again. Or, I could stay in Wichita doing contract work, waiting for a recovery that may take years. I have an opportunity to choose very poorly. Neither choice is fantastic, but one is going to be much poorer than the other..
I told myself I'd sleep on this before I make up my mind, and I will. I haven't made up my mind yet - my decision rocks back and forth like a pendulum, every few hours, and it's unpleasant. I only found out about losing the NIAR position about 12 hours ago, so everything I think until 24 hours has passed is impulsive and dismissable as far as I'm concerned. But I do need to choose. Wednesday is when I'm scheduled to talk to Salina again, and I have as much information as I ever will - it would be pointless to delay another week. So. Thoughts?
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